Roses are Red

Today, I received flowers from my big sister who received my kidney back in 2006. She is now pregnant and her and her husband are expecting a baby girl in November. Words cannot express how happy I am for her. I will not display the message that was sent with the roses as it only seems fitting for me to only know. However, it was a message I needed today.

Perhaps it's just me and I'm the crazy one for having these emotions, but sometimes I find myself stuck in the routine of life. The same old, same old of rushing to get ready in the morning for work, same 2 hour long daily commute back and forth to work, same endless school work...I even work the same route in the grocery store when shopping. I often wonder if I'm living life or if life is living me. I get consumed with guilt for leaving Mason to go to work as this makes me feel less of a mother; as if I'm choosing work over my son. My heart hurts everyday. I share a wonderful life with Steve, but yet we never get time to see one another. When I get home from work, he's leaving to go to work. I stay home with Mason while Steve takes Madison to her soccer practices. I miss him so very much. Even when we finally get 5 minutes of alone time when everyone is in bed, I still miss him very much. I love Madison and Morgan as if they were my own daughters, but sometimes I wonder if I'm too strict with them. I only want them to do good in life, but in doing so, am I sometimes the evil stepmother?

Sometimes I wonder if I really matter in this world. I'm assuming this is an ageless question that is asked by everyone. It's the reason that religion exists; to explain why we are here, our journey, and how we fit. Sometimes life just gets me down and wears me out. My sister's message felt very uplifting. It's the kind of message that you can put into a secret place and read it from time to time when needed. The kind of message where the paper wrinkles over the years from being unfolded, read, then folded.

So thank you Jackie. I love you in a way only a little sister can love her bigger sister.